TOWIE SLANG

What they say on Towie	What they really mean
Shut up!	I’m struggling to believe what you just said to me because I find it almost incredible.
Shuuuut uuuup!	What you just said simply cannot be true.
Reem	Desirable, cool (coined by Joey Essex)
Alright?	Greetings; how are you this fine day?
Jel	Jealous.
Well jel	Very jealous indeed.
Everyone keeps getting well jel	Everyone is feeling very jealous indeed.
Vajazzle	The highly skilled practice of encrusting diamanté jewels around the female genitalia so as to enhance their appearance. Can be used as both a noun and a verb.
Ag	Aggro; aggravation.
It’s a load of ag I could do without	This situation involves much unwanted aggravation.
Obviously …	I’m bringing new information to the table for the viewer, but as this oxymoronic televisual format is “scripted reality”, I’m opening my sentence with this because you know full well what I’m about to impart.
Hundred 'cent	I wholeheartedly agree with what you just said; indication of the affirmative.
No carbs before Marbs	I’m on a diet free of all carbohydrates so I can look appropriately slender for when the Daily Mail’s side banner is FILLED with pictures of me in my swimsuit on holiday in Marbella.
Noon; my noon	Vagina; my vagina.
What are you sayin’?	A rhetorical question, often posed by Joey Essex, with no clear definition other than: “I’m feeling rather well today, thanks for asking.”
Stop bagging me out	I feel that harsh criticism you just delivered was wholly unjustified - and would prefer it if you avoided such personal vitriol.
Stop mugging me off	You’re taking me for a very gullible person and I’d appreciate it if you reassessed that judgment immediately.
It’s professional	Pretty much any situation that is non work-related. As in: “I’m not being friendly to Lauren no more – when I see her down Faces I’m gonna be purely professional.”
Goin’ Faces?	It’s Saturday night. I’m feeling energetic and inclined to consume several alcoholic beverages, possibly followed by the consumption of meat of questionable source in pitta bread; would you care to join me in this pursuit?
Nanny Pat’s sausage plait	A dish made by everyone’s favourite grandma.
You’re a pair of Capri Suns	More Joey Essex neologism. Apparently it means a pair of silly people. A (very) rough etymology can be found here
A salty potato	Yep, it’s Joey again; this is a metaphor for an attractive woman.
I’ve been feeling lower than a worm’s tit	A wonderful analogy meaning “I’ve been very depressed.”
Well educational	Moderately intellectual.
Well boring me out	A conversation devoid of chutzpah.
Basically…	A meaningless opener, given that it’s often used to introduce quite a convoluted dramatic scenario.
Do one	Please go away, and do it quickly.

Taken from http://www.theguardian.com/media/mind-your-language/2013/aug/02/mind-your-language-nouveau-cockney